Early this morning, my dog drank from the toilet, retched on the carpet and licked my face. With a start like that I figured I had one hell of a day ahead of me. A day that would probably include a flaming car wreck and a liquid fart. But I was wrong. A great day lay ahead. A day I will remember forever.
Around noon, I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a genie. She was fine. Halle Berry complexion. Janet Jackson abs. Tyra Banks rack. After some small talk and a little heavy petting, she grants me three wishes.
"Anything you want," she says. "But don't try to be clever and ask for 100 more wishes. That doesn't fly."
So I think about it. Maybe I should ask for world peace or food for the hungry or an end to global warming.
Nah.
My first wish is to rid the world of the SUV. Imagine no more big, dumb trucks. No more small women in big, dumb trucks. And no more big, dumb dubs on big, dumb trucks. I'm so sick of Escalades, Expeditions and Navigators blocking my view of the world and clogging my roadways. These things never go off-road, they're always empty except for driver and dry cleaning, and they handle like drunk school buses.
Unless you're towing a racecar, drive a car.
Without SUVs there's more gasoline for us gearheads to burn, and the automakers can shift the billions of dollars they spend on truck development to the development of killer performance cars. Think about it: If Ford spent all the time, money and effort it spends developing and building Escapes, Explorers, Expeditions, Excursions, Navigators, and Mountaineers, there would be a Focus that runs 10-second quarter miles, gets 50 mpg, lasts 500,000 miles and costs about $10,000.
My second wish is that instant death be stricken on all that use their windshield washers on the freeway.
Why? Because I'm always behind them in my just-washed car. I've been doused twice in the last two days by oblivious boneheads who forgot there are other people in the world. Other people driving clean cars. Me.
These inconsiderate pukes deserve to die. I don't get it. Wasn't the windshield dirty when the car was parked in their driveway? Or when they were driving down their cul-de-sac without another car in sight?
Whatever. Kill them all the moment their gnarled little fingers hit the stalk.
My third wish is for $100 million.
Hey, I'm angry and petty, but I'm not stupid.
Ultimate Street Car Challenge
It's Christmas time. Which means you should buy yourself a present. Make that present our Ultimate Street Car Challenge video. Why? Because you deserve it. Heck, buy yourself two.
Advertisements to order "USCC II-Faster than Ever" are in this issue, or go online to www.sportcompactcarweb.com to order your copy. If you don't like it, call 1-800-UPY-OURS and leave a message.