I love traffic court, traffic laws, traffic cops and just about everything else that involves the government and the word "traffic." Recently, my favorite traffic-related gripe pertains to traffic school.
A few months back, I wrote a column explaining the propagandaCalifornia traffic schools produce and the various ways they twist reality to meet their arbitrary agendas. It is, at best, primate-level education combined with Orwellian bureaucracy and repression-my kind of stuff.
Not long ago, a coworker took traffic school and paid the included fine with hopes of keeping his insurance rates down. But instead of simply examining the backs of his eyelids as some instructor spewed hours of ineptitude, which is the norm, this guy decided to ask questions. And he swore he would get legitimate answers.
It didn't happen. The interrogation quickly led to the instructor regurgitating bogus vehicle codes. Still, his persistence was rewarded. Instead of becoming indignant for being forced to spend eight painful hours at the mercy of the system, our hero continued.
Eventually, he asked the right question, "What's it take to be a traffic school instructor?" Not surprisingly, the answer was filled with claims of strict testing and comprehensive background checks.
It's true the state does have requirements. You must fill out an application and pay the fees. No really, that's it. Sure, there's a background check-one, which most likely doesn't involve the FBI, CIA or NSA.
The ideas started rolling.
Why can't I be a licensed traffic school instructor? I looked into it. Turns out, it takes a bit more effort, but not much. Qualified traffic violator school instructor applicants must provide a sworn statement from a licensed traffic violator school certifying that the school intends to employ the applicant, they must have a relatively clean driving record, pass the written exam and hold a valid California Driver's License. Nothing I can't handle.
So the question is: Why can't there be a Sport Compact Car traffic school?
I can only imagine how enlightening it might be to teach a traffic violator class-to have my very own captive audience to which I might preach whatever automotive agenda comes to mind. Who's to say I couldn't actually teach something useful?
Maybe in eight hours, I could get across a message about how to avoid speeding tickets or I could spread my theories on lane discipline or jerk-offs that don't use their turn signals.
Maybe I'll talk for eight hours about the pain-in-the-ass sport utility vehicles clogging our roadways, or the 4x4 bozos driving around with mud and rocks flying from their trucks or the mutants that insist on cleaning their windshield at 80 mph and soaking the rest of us.
Or perhaps, I would teach nothing. No class, no propaganda, no bureaucratic chest pounding, just a simple check in and head out.
I'm currently considering the task at hand. The paperwork is monumental and the idea of giving the state any more of my personal info isn't thrilling. But I'll do it-on one condition.
You tell me to.
If you want to see a story on becoming a qualified traffic school instructor, getting the license and teaching class, just let me know. I'm easy to find; just use the above e-mail address.